Porterhouse Central

45-47 Nassau Street, Dublin 2
Saturday, March 3, 2007
www.porterhousebrewco.com

Lunch with Casper is never something you plan far in advance. The last time was at Dunne & Crescenzi in December, where we gave each other about two hours’ notice. This time, we let ourselves down however, by settling on a meet-up a whole two days beforehand. The impetus was my long-standing Swedomania (no, not love of turnips) and the happy coincidence of the Swedish Festival in Dublin this week. I would have killed to try South William, one of the other spots offering the Nordic menu – but I was too late. Casper suggested Porterhouse, and at the risk of not getting another slot in his diary for weeks, I said yes.

I arrived in town far too early, and decided to walk Parnell Street to see the ethnic blossoming I had heard about. It was three years since I had been anywhere near that quarter, and honestly, if you had kidnapped me, blindfolded me, and set me loose up there now, I couldn’t have told you where I was. Had a good look around, including the enormous new Chapters store, then headed for Nassau Street thinking: ok, now from East Asian and East European influences on the Northside, to American cuisine down south of the river.

Now, you may notice that the cuisine tag on this review is not “American”, after all. That’s because if you were in America and you ever served anyone food like we got at Porterhouse, you’d be shot or sued – or, likely, both. This is Modern Irish, in the more mediocre application of those words to the restaurant trade.

I’d eaten with Casper at Porterhouse before, in their Temple Bar location in December 2005. That was the weekend Nabil was in Dublin with me. If I had any sense of omen or conjunction after that whole sorry affair, I would have known that this chain was bad for me. I’ll have to start reading the chicken entrails more closely.

We sat at a high table and leather-cushioned stools up on the raised dais towards the back of the bar, and consulted the menu. After we had been asked twice if we had decided on drinks, we ordered two Kopparberg beers. What we were given, however, were two Kopparberg ciders, but we didn't realise this until we poured the bottles into glasses. These drinks were some mixed-berry-flavoured concoction with 5.3% alcohol, and were gratifyingly easy to drink, and so we didn't complain. Definitely a tip for the summer. That, however, was the last Swedish element to the lunch. The Festival menu consisted of steak (at €16.50, at lunchtime! In a pub!!), meatballs, and another nondescript item which clearly doesn’t even rate recalling. We went for burgers instead.

Porterhouse in Covent Garden, London is a good place – we spent Hallowe’en there in 2005 with William, Bridget and Catherine, following on from Belgo. But the variety the chain revels in with respect to beer is sadly missing from its food menu. All of the offerings read the same way to me. Sorry, what’s that – you want fish? To quote Peggy Mitchell: Get outta my pub. Naaaaaaaow. (To give them their due, there was a salmon option, but it sounded so dreary, it didn’t ever figure in my reckoning).

You remember that old philosophical chestnut: if a tree falls in the woods, and no-one hears it, did it really fall? Similarly, if everything on a menu seems so similar, can you really be said to “choose” anything? Nevertheless, we tried our best: I took the grandly-titled Porterhouse Mushroom and Beef Burger, while Casper went for the Smokey. What we are going to do now is match description to reality:

Casper’s Smokey
Advertised:
100% Irish Angus Beef burger, smoked bacon, smoked cheddar, smokey (sic) BBQ sauce, beef tomato, butterhead lettuce, red onion and mayonnaise.
Received:
Burger with very large circumference and very little depth. Dry. Topped with one round slice of smoked cheese, rind still on. Rest as indicated.

My Porterhouse Mushroom & Beef Burger
Advertised:
100% Irish Angus Beef burger, Portobello mushroom, Emmental cheese, garlic & mustard mayonnaise, beef tomato, butterhead lettuce & red onion
Received:
Burger little smaller around than Casper’s, but noticeably thicker. Dry. Boring. Large juicy mushroom in centre, stalk still attached. No perceivable taste of garlic or mustard from mayonnaise. Had to add ordinary mayonnaise to moisten the sandwich. But the chips were good; whether this was just in comparison to the burger or on a stand-alone basis, I'm still not sure.

This place used to be Judge Roy Bean’s – where you’d go on a Friday evening for happy hours before they got outlawed. You wouldn’t come to the new incarnation for anything cheap, that’s for sure. Actually, you know what? Don’t bother going there for anything if you’re hungry. But I might catch you there for a Kopparberg come the May Bank Holiday.

PS. The day wasn’t all bad. I got to meet up with Casper, who is as smart and enlightening as ever. I also managed to renew my IFC membership, catch Zozo (great little Swedish/ Lebanese film showing for the Festival), and realised that there are loads more Scandinavians in Dublin than I thought. All good! Tak så mycket till Svenska Festivalen!

PPS. Anyone know what the hell butterhead lettuce is? Even my spellchecker won’t recognise it. Is it the Cos lettuce we got?

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The Damage (EUR)
Mains

• 10.50 Smokey Burger
  
• 12.50 Porterhouse Mushroom and Beef Burger
  

Drinks

• 12.40 Kopparberg Ciders (*2)

Service 4.60
Total 40.00
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The Score
2.0 Food and Drink
2.5 Service
3.0 Décor
2.0 Ambience
2.0 Value
2.0 Overall Rating
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